[Fiona] Tossing and Turning

The funny thing is I am wide awake. I have never learned how to relax. It drives dear Shrek crazy. It drives me crazy. I have this inner drive that takes me nowhere. I feel much like a tornado in a jar. I really think it is anxious energy. If you are lucky enough to survive a dysfunctional childhood it is likely that you have indeed dragged along a few neurosis to keep you company. I like to call my issues the demons in my head. Self-loathing is the hardest obstacle to overcome. My mom never made it. My kid sister never got over it. I am pretty sure my older sister suffers with it. I struggle with it everyday. Why am I so accepting of everyone and their shortcomings but not of my own?

I used to have this fantasy that when I grew up all of the pieces of my life that lay scattered all around me would somehow miraculously fall into place and I would be the cool put together person I always dreamed I could be. I find that I am still trying to get the puzzle pieces to fit. So I toss and turn.