[Shrek] Put Down the Damn Phone...

There are very few things that annoy me more than people on cell phones.

Now I don't have a problem with folks talking on them while they're walking from place to place outdoors, or huddled by doors outside buildings while sneaking a quick smoke of a cancer stick. I can certainly see where making a quick call home while in the grocery store to see if you milk or bread would be appropriate.

I have a problem with the morons who do it while driving.

There is almost no reason why your car should be moving and you on your cell phone. Are you lost? Pull over to make that call asking for directions. Are you late? Here's a novel concept, leave for your destination earlier. Reporting a crime or road hazard gets you a free pass, but let's be honest here, most people can count the number of times they've done that on one hand and have a substantial number of fingers left over.

For the record, ordering Chinese food or pizza does not generally constitute an emergency.

Now I know what you're thinking--"I can drive safely and talk on the phone." No, no you can't. Countless number of times Fiona and I have been driving along on the highway and come up on a car in the slow lane doing 45mph in a 65mph zone, the car weaving about in its lane. Drunk driving? No, it's a moron on a cell phone. And as if talking on the cell phone wasn't a distraction enough on its own, you've decided to drive 20mph below the speed limit in the lane folks use to get on and off the highway.

At least you had enough sense to put the coffee down and steer with your other hand. Or were you just putting it down to grab the doughnut?

And speaking of putting the phone down, how about these mental midgets that continue on with their phone conversations while they interact with folks right in front of them? Now that you've wandered into the store with the phone welded to your head to grab your sandwich, bag of chips, and 55 gallon drum of diet soda, do you think you could spare 15 seconds of your valuable time to actually interact with the clerk right in front of you instead of grumbling that you want a pack of Marlboro's and shoving a $20 bill in their direction?

A few weeks ago Fiona and I went out to breakfast (not a huge shock for those that know us). We went to Bickford's in Auburn, and as we're regulars the routine there is pretty well set--we sit in a very large booth and as the waitresses have a few moments they come over and sit and catch up on things from the last time we saw them.

As we were sitting, waiting for our order they sat a man a table or so away. His cell phone never left his ear the entire time he was there. Based on his side of the conversation, which could clearly be heard as he all but yelled into his phone, there wasn't anything that couldn't have waited 20 minutes while he ordered and ate.

I won't get into the stupidity of his breakfast order other than to say that if you're so worried about the amount of fat in the bacon that you order it burnt perhaps going to out to breakfast isn't really the correct option for you.

So while we're on the subject of cell phones, how about we mention those ear pieces folks wear that make them look like Uhura from Star Trek? Or maybe more correctly, make them look like flippin' idiots? With them you now have all the other cell phone problems, with the additional stupidity of not knowing if the moron on the phone is actually speaking to you or not.

For full disclosure, I do own a cell phone. I rarely use it. I use it so infrequently my voice mail says "don't leave a message because I don't check for them". Many people ask why I bother to have one if I don't use it. The answer is simple...

....someday I may wish to order a pizza.