[Fiona] Ho ! Ho ! Ho !

Do not think this about Christmas my friends for you are sadly mistaken. This is merely commentary to an event I witnessed on Southbridge Street last night. Dear Shrek and I attended an AHL hockey game at the DCU Center. The Worcester Sharks hosted the Providence Bruins. Good game. Fun for everyone but sadly, we lost.

A friend of ours met us at the game. We graciously offered to drive him homeward after the evenings festivities came to a halt. Well, being the "super organized femme fatale" that I am, I let my vehicle's gasoline reserves reach near empty proportions. After we were all comfortably seated in the car, I suggested to Shrek that we find an open pumping station. If I had only known...

From the DCU Center the best way to get to Route 290 West towards Auburn is via Southbridge Street in Worcester. Along Southbridge Street there are many abandoned businesses and a rail yard. It is not one of the nicest neighborhoods on a good day. It does, however; have a 24 hour Gulf gas station. The three of us pooled our money. With the impending hour looming near 11 pm, I sent Shrek into the station to secure $11 of gas from the Gas Gods.

Our friend,Skip,is an older guy in his early sixties. Shrek and I are barely into our forties. He's seen a little more of life than we have. Imagine my surprise when he was shocked to see a car loaded up with the usual "garden variety" whores. I know it wasn't that they were whores. It was more like; there's a gaggle of them and they are using this gas station as a "pump and go".

While Skip and I waited for Shrek to reappear from the depths of the store we watched as these "ladies" primped and strutted. One spent her time brushing her teeth (perhaps fresh breath masks just how much dick you've had). Skip's exact words,"I thought I had seen everything!"

Before our departure from this Port of Sin, Shrek reveled us with his first hand encounter within the confines of the store. Apparently a few of the ladies in front of him purchased enough condoms to satisfy the male population of local the naval academy.

After we had nourished our car with life giving fluids we drove off, leaving the ladies to their nasty business. Our stop at this station left me with a bad taste in my mouth. Perhaps, I should have asked to borrow a toothbrush and some paste.

[Fiona] Turkey Coma

OMG! Today Shrek and I hosted not one but two Thanksgiving dinners. I am so sleepy. The manufacturers of sleeping agents really should do some research into the turkey induced coma. I am sure that the pies and other assorted weight bearing heavy cream filled goodies help fuel that bogged down I need a nap feeling but I am not sure. As the readers of this blog know I am WW member and so holidays are risky for me.

I did the best I could and I made sure to stop and think between courses. I ate the family recipe. A funked out bread and hamburg stuffing that has been poked and improved over the years. A personal favorite of mine. I peeled and cooked 10 lbs of potatoes and 4 gi-normous squash. My arms hurt. I burnt my thumbs holding turkey thighs as I cut meat into manageable slabs and I was happy. Happy that my sister made it from NY. Happy that my step-daughter and her little girl came. Happy that at end of this very long day I had not ONE dessert. Happy that I survived Thanksgiving.

[Shrek] A Few Words About Words

I am addicted to books.

I am not ashamed to admit it, nor do I plan on doing anything to stop this addiction. I also think an intervention is unlikely as Fiona is also addicted, so at least for now I can live my life without worry of friends telling me to stop reading.

One thing that does bother me is book publishes taking advantage of us book addicted folks.

I understand that it costs a lot of money to publish a book, and while I cringe when I plop down $7.99 for a book that can't be found at the many discount retailers, I get the concept that without paying that much no one along the chain of writer-publisher-seller makes money, meaning that less books would be produced.

While I'd like the price to go back to the $2.95 it was when I started buying books, I'm not looking for them to drop the price. I get that the folks involved have to pay rent and eat just like everyone else. I do not begrudge anyone from making a little money while the book passes through their "step" in the chain.

But someone needs to tell me why the new paperback format costs $9.95.

Let me get this straight--only the print is larger, not the actual length of the book? And to accommodate this larger print you've made the pages bigger and spread the text over more pages? And for this you're charging me an extra $2?

Huh?

Case in point, the two books I'm reading now: Memorial Day by Vince Flynn, and Kushiel's Scion by Jacqueline Carey (no, not that Jacqueline Carey, the one that's a fantasy writer). Both are writers that I'd have no problem calling their previous works "great".

Memorial Day is in the new, larger format and font, and is 564 pages not including the preview if his next novel...$9.95 cover price.

Kushiel's Scion is in the standard format, and is 943 pages not including the preview of her next novel...$7.99 cover price.

Two bucks for less stuff? Huh?

Obviously the price didn't bother me that much as I purchased them both. What it really results in is now I'll be reluctant to try new writers when I see their stuff while browsing. Other folks I know have said the same thing.

That means, at least in theory, that people along the chain in the book selling profession will end up making less money. And in an economy where entertainment money is hard to come by for many folks, that could be another nail in the coffin for the book publishing industry.

Thank God for used book stores...there's lots of new authors I can try at half-cover price.

[Fiona] Fun With the Twins

I went out last Friday night to the Manor Restaurant in West Boylston. A few girls from work had an idea about going out as a group to try something different. What a time we had. Dinner and drinks with a show. The Edwards Twins were the act. Identical twins well, almost. This dynamic duo of brotherhood perform an act they call "Celebrities on Stage". According to their website they do something like 150 different celebrities between them. Eddie handles the women while Anthony tackles the men.

Speaking for myself I didn't know what to expect. I drove to the Manor with mixed enthusiasm. The only celebrity impersonator I have ever seen (and he was on Merv Griffin at the time) was Jim Bailey. His impression of Streisand,topnotch. The memory of his performance played through my mind as I waited in the parking lot for my friends to arrive. Could this show be any good?

My gal pals arrived in plenty of time to enjoy cocktail hour. We were ushered to our seats, front row center. Damn Excellent Seats. I dare say the best seats in the house. Seating for six. We introduced ourselves to our table mates. I will call them J and K (to protect their innocence [wink wink nudge nudge]) nice people really. Easy dinner companions if you will. Through casual conversation we realized we all the know same woman. I should tell you that my gal pals and I all work for the same company and J ,of the now famous J and K Duo, works for a waste disposal company that services our company. It is indeed a small world, six degrees of separation and all that.

I do not want to bore the reader with endless details of what was served up for supper. Suffice it to say it was hot, tasty and came with chocolate cake and coffee. On with the show...


Good evening ladies and gentlemen....back story on the Edwards Twins...out pops Bette Midler.

Eddie hit the stage first as the Devine Miss M. He explained a little about their act and made a few witty remarks and then launched into his first skit. I was very impressed. His makeup, mannerisms and chat were Bette enough that it was easy to become lost in its effects to the point I cried when he broke into a rendition of "Wind Beneath My Wings". Anthony hit the stage next as the "Piano Man" Billy Joel. Very smooth; makeup right, hair/beard right...piano work excellent. I found myself clapping and singing along and really enjoying myself. The audience was treated to Barbra Streisand, Rod Stewart, Kermit the Frog, Elton John, Cher with and without Sonny and... well you will just have to catch a show to see who else showed up.

The answer to my question. Yes, the show was good. It was better than that. It exceeded my expectations; I would love to see their show again.

[Shrek] Doing a Little Housekeeping

I've edited the blog a little...odds are you won't notice unless I mention what I did.

I've added a couple things to the links menu. The first is Sharkspage, the sports blog I post to covering the Worcester Sharks. The second is Fiona's Large Marge blog about her weight loss.

I've also trimmed the amount of blog entries shown on the main page to ten. It was getting a tad long the way we were doing it, and with the links to older posts on the right it seemed silly to have them all listed.

And lastly, I edited the title to show that we're ogres, not trolls. The "real" Shrek and Fiona would want it that way. ;)

[Fiona] WTF !

Anyone who uses text messaging will recognize the gist of my feelings from the title. I went to my friendly, local WW meeting this morning. I lost 2.6 pounds this week. For the record, I have lost 89.6 pounds in 30 weeks. I have worked diligently at adopting and adapting new eating habits. Recently, I have even taken up exercise as well. So imagine my shock when my leader told me that I need to get a note from my doctor to continue my efforts as "corporate has been cracking down on leaders who allow people to lose more than the allotted average 2 pounds a week" OKAY! WHAT THE FUCK!?!

My WW meeting means the world to me. I have met some really incredible people there. In the book you get that very first week it says,"Please note : Everyone loses weight at a different pace. The success stories you see in the WW program materials are included for your inspiration and motivation. They are not representative of the results you may achieve." Even their own front office admits individual results may happen,from the mouths of babes.

In my lifetime I have lost and gained enough pounds to sustain 2 people. When I diet I stick to program and the weight falls off as it chooses not as I choose. I understand the concern. Sometimes people go to the opposite extreme. They become obsessed with losing weight and make themselves sick in the process. This week I will put a call into my doctor to touch base and make sure that I am indeed healthy. I am confident that the answer will be; yes, absolutely. I haven't felt this well since I was in my 20's.

Just so you know corporate people at WW. The best way to kill some one's best efforts is to pull a stunt like the one visited on myself today. My spirit and my efforts will not be crushed.

[Fiona] Large Marge Chronicles

I have created a blog of my very own called oddly enough Large Marge Chronicles. I felt that it would be a good thing as it will only be about my experiences on my road to the "Land of Normal Sizes". I didn't tell Shrek of my intentions and he has informed me that he doesn't have a problem with me chronicling about my journey here. I will be blogging at both spots until I figure out what is best for me. So watch for up and coming posts about the crazy and off beat happenings I call my life. So goodnight kids as I am off to the gym to do water aerobics...

[Shrek] Television for the new season

If you're not really interested in what Fiona and I will be watching during the new fall TV season, this will be a very long and boring blog entry. If you are interested, it will just be long.

Ever since Fiona and I decided to get the DVR through Charter we've been able to watch a lot more television shows than we did before we had it. Automatic recording (without having to deal with changing video tape), fast forwarding through commercials, and being able to watch the programs when we want make the DVR well worth the money. Finding the time to watch all the programs is tough sometimes, but it's still worth it.

Starting on Monday nights the DVR gets a workout as Fiona and I both go out that night. We'll be recording the NBC lineup that night, with new shows Chuck (website) and Journeyman (website) sandwiched around one of our favorite returning shows, Heroes (website).

Tuesday nights have just a couple of shows we're watching on CBS, with NCIS (website) being one we made sure not to miss even before we got the DVR. Fiona's favorite character is Abby, the heavily into goth forensic specialist. We'll also be checking out the new show Cane (website), although I'm not sure this one will make the cut.

On Wednesday the DVR will approach meltdown as it records five different shows, including two at the same time TWICE! We'll begin with Back To You (website), the only sitcom on our list. It started last week and stars Kelsey Grammer and Patricia Heaton. Fred Willard also stars, and that alone makes it worth watching. While we're watching/recording that, we're also recording Pushing Daisies (website), a show about a person that can touch dead people and make them alive again, and he uses that talent to solve crimes. It sounds...interesting.

At 9pm we have another two shows going at once, the Grey's Anatomy spin-off called Private Practice (website) on ABC, and the new NBC show Bionic Woman (website). One of these shows is probably going to kill off the other, so I suspect one will be moving or canceled before too long. After those two we'll be recording another new NBC show, Life (website). Of all the new shows, this one looks like the most likely winner. (If that isn't the Kiss of Death for the show I don't know what is).

Thursday is an easy night, with just Grey's Anatomy (website) on the docket.

Friday is another CBS evening, with Fiona's favorite show Ghost Whisperer (website). It's a show that I watched during season one, but I just couldn't get into it. The next is a new show about vampire fighters, Moonlight (website), an easy addition to our lineup. The evening ends with Numb3rs (website), a show that may be the best on television.

Saturday and Sunday sees just one show being recorded, Shark (website). Fiona doesn't watch it, and to be honest it isn't that great of a show. But it has James Woods being a continuous smartass, and I find that's enough to carry the show.

Other programs we watch but don't care too much if we miss is Mythbusters (website) on Discovery, Real Time with Bill Maher (website) on HBO (a show that Fiona says she "hates"), and an assorted amount of stuff on The History Channel.

So there you have it, the shows we're planning on watching...

...lineup subject to change, of course.

[Shrek & Fiona] A New Look

Out with old, in with the new...

...well, new for us anyway. We've decided to ditch the black background and switch to a more eye-pleasing blue.

Fiona thought the black color was a look that was too dark, and made it difficult to read the posts. I had no opinion on the matter, so we made the change.

Compromises like this show why our relationship has lasted as long as it has.

[Fiona] Soup's On

Shrek and I have a cat the color of Halloween. Her name is Esmeralda.We inherited her after the passing of Shrek's grandmother two summers ago. I have come to believe that she was named after Alice Ghostly's character on Bewitched. Like her name sake she is shy,reserved and tends to skulk about timidly before disappearing. She would rather hang around at your feet than be picked up and pawed (pardon the expression).

Every morning she and I share the same morning routine. My alarm stuns me awake at 5:00 am. I rub the sleep from my eyes and stroll into the lady's room. Esmeralda races me to the bathroom. She waits for me to alight the porcelain and then launches herself onto the counter where she strolls casually back and forth swishing her tail and mewling in my general direction. A quick flush sends her into a frenzy. This is the moment she has waited for...the water. Soup's On.

I try to wash my hands, she tries to get to the water coming out of the spigot. We push against each other. I give her a little room, she steps into the sink and attempts to take over. I shut off the taps and reach into the cabinets to get a washcloth and some towels for my shower and facial rituals. Each and every morning I care for my face utilizing the sink and an assortment of beauty secrets. A girl has to look her best!

Esmeralda watches as I run the water. The stopper goes in. The sink fills with hot water. It is beyond me why she thinks I am making her something to drink but every morning she must taste the "soup". In response to its lack luster flavor she flicks her head at me and turns her back on the sink. In a feeble attempt to enrich the soup's flavor she puts her tail into the sink and flips it across the water. As I continue with the scrubbing of my face, she stirs the soup. I pick her tail out of the water. She flicks it outward, soaking my nightie and promptly dips her tail back into the water. This time I pull it out and give it a quick squeeze so it is not dripping. She gives me that look. You know the one. She is pissed. How dare I wet her tail! Who do you think you are?

She jumps down,looks up at me,mews and leaves me to my own means. I think it's her way of saying, "Same time tomorrow?"