[Shrek] Television for the new season

If you're not really interested in what Fiona and I will be watching during the new fall TV season, this will be a very long and boring blog entry. If you are interested, it will just be long.

Ever since Fiona and I decided to get the DVR through Charter we've been able to watch a lot more television shows than we did before we had it. Automatic recording (without having to deal with changing video tape), fast forwarding through commercials, and being able to watch the programs when we want make the DVR well worth the money. Finding the time to watch all the programs is tough sometimes, but it's still worth it.

Starting on Monday nights the DVR gets a workout as Fiona and I both go out that night. We'll be recording the NBC lineup that night, with new shows Chuck (website) and Journeyman (website) sandwiched around one of our favorite returning shows, Heroes (website).

Tuesday nights have just a couple of shows we're watching on CBS, with NCIS (website) being one we made sure not to miss even before we got the DVR. Fiona's favorite character is Abby, the heavily into goth forensic specialist. We'll also be checking out the new show Cane (website), although I'm not sure this one will make the cut.

On Wednesday the DVR will approach meltdown as it records five different shows, including two at the same time TWICE! We'll begin with Back To You (website), the only sitcom on our list. It started last week and stars Kelsey Grammer and Patricia Heaton. Fred Willard also stars, and that alone makes it worth watching. While we're watching/recording that, we're also recording Pushing Daisies (website), a show about a person that can touch dead people and make them alive again, and he uses that talent to solve crimes. It sounds...interesting.

At 9pm we have another two shows going at once, the Grey's Anatomy spin-off called Private Practice (website) on ABC, and the new NBC show Bionic Woman (website). One of these shows is probably going to kill off the other, so I suspect one will be moving or canceled before too long. After those two we'll be recording another new NBC show, Life (website). Of all the new shows, this one looks like the most likely winner. (If that isn't the Kiss of Death for the show I don't know what is).

Thursday is an easy night, with just Grey's Anatomy (website) on the docket.

Friday is another CBS evening, with Fiona's favorite show Ghost Whisperer (website). It's a show that I watched during season one, but I just couldn't get into it. The next is a new show about vampire fighters, Moonlight (website), an easy addition to our lineup. The evening ends with Numb3rs (website), a show that may be the best on television.

Saturday and Sunday sees just one show being recorded, Shark (website). Fiona doesn't watch it, and to be honest it isn't that great of a show. But it has James Woods being a continuous smartass, and I find that's enough to carry the show.

Other programs we watch but don't care too much if we miss is Mythbusters (website) on Discovery, Real Time with Bill Maher (website) on HBO (a show that Fiona says she "hates"), and an assorted amount of stuff on The History Channel.

So there you have it, the shows we're planning on watching...

...lineup subject to change, of course.

[Shrek & Fiona] A New Look

Out with old, in with the new...

...well, new for us anyway. We've decided to ditch the black background and switch to a more eye-pleasing blue.

Fiona thought the black color was a look that was too dark, and made it difficult to read the posts. I had no opinion on the matter, so we made the change.

Compromises like this show why our relationship has lasted as long as it has.

[Fiona] Soup's On

Shrek and I have a cat the color of Halloween. Her name is Esmeralda.We inherited her after the passing of Shrek's grandmother two summers ago. I have come to believe that she was named after Alice Ghostly's character on Bewitched. Like her name sake she is shy,reserved and tends to skulk about timidly before disappearing. She would rather hang around at your feet than be picked up and pawed (pardon the expression).

Every morning she and I share the same morning routine. My alarm stuns me awake at 5:00 am. I rub the sleep from my eyes and stroll into the lady's room. Esmeralda races me to the bathroom. She waits for me to alight the porcelain and then launches herself onto the counter where she strolls casually back and forth swishing her tail and mewling in my general direction. A quick flush sends her into a frenzy. This is the moment she has waited for...the water. Soup's On.

I try to wash my hands, she tries to get to the water coming out of the spigot. We push against each other. I give her a little room, she steps into the sink and attempts to take over. I shut off the taps and reach into the cabinets to get a washcloth and some towels for my shower and facial rituals. Each and every morning I care for my face utilizing the sink and an assortment of beauty secrets. A girl has to look her best!

Esmeralda watches as I run the water. The stopper goes in. The sink fills with hot water. It is beyond me why she thinks I am making her something to drink but every morning she must taste the "soup". In response to its lack luster flavor she flicks her head at me and turns her back on the sink. In a feeble attempt to enrich the soup's flavor she puts her tail into the sink and flips it across the water. As I continue with the scrubbing of my face, she stirs the soup. I pick her tail out of the water. She flicks it outward, soaking my nightie and promptly dips her tail back into the water. This time I pull it out and give it a quick squeeze so it is not dripping. She gives me that look. You know the one. She is pissed. How dare I wet her tail! Who do you think you are?

She jumps down,looks up at me,mews and leaves me to my own means. I think it's her way of saying, "Same time tomorrow?"

[Fiona] The Story of Large Marge

Hello, My name is Fiona and I am an addict. I love food. Not for its nutritional values but for its textures and smells and delectableness (if that indeed is a word). I am the classic overeater. I eat because of what is eating me. Well, I decided in March of this year to give up the lifestyle. This Large Marge just couldn't take it or fake it anymore. My knees hurt, my back, my soul; there wasn't a square inch of me that wasn't suffering in some way. I needed to face facts...no Twinkie has ever been my friend. He has only been carefully disguised in gooey sweetness to entice me into believe that he and he alone could make me "feel better".

Being honest about the whys of my eating have not been easy. I never realized before that I viewed life through woe-colored glasses. I was the honored guest at my own pity party. There was no room for anyone else's problems, only mine. My hurt, my anger, my disappointments, my failures, I let them hang around my soul like the chains of Marley's ghost. I let the air out of the balloons and sent back all the gifts. That party is officially over.

As of now I have lost 78 pounds. It has been a path I tread not lightly but willingly. Some days it has been dark and scary and yet inviting at the same time for who knows what lies over that hill? I journey on not knowing where I will end up. On the way I have found that there are many people in my life who care for me deeply. Without their love and support I don't know if I would have made it very far on the road. I offer them my deepest thanks and only hope some day I will be able to return all the kindness they have shown and shared with me.

I am now several sizes smaller than when I started. I find myself at a crossroads of decisions. Decisions which should be easy for me to make and yet I find myself hesitating. I am not sure why. Could it be I fear the hill never flattens out? Or lessens? Or changes to smooth and even footing? I think it is that the territory I move in now is closer to a place I have only imagined I can be a part of. That's right, the "Land of Normal Sizes". A place I always thought was just a spot on the map of my life; a nice place to "visit" but there was just no way I'd ever be able to live there.

I now know that spot on the map is a real place. Not today but some day soon I will walk into the "Land of Normal Sizes" and I will fight tooth and nail to stay. To win the day "you must know yourself, stay true to yourself, and wrest your destiny from the grasp of life." Author unknown

Never give up on the person you are meant to become.

Words I try to live by.

[Shrek] The Unlikely Champions

Earlier this summer I wrote about Fiona's and my first night of the summer bowling league. My plan, although I don't recall if I mentioned it as I was at the time more annoyed with Curt Schilling's sudden loss of testicular fortitude, was to simply stay loose over the summer and to enjoy the company of friends.

I figured we'd be good enough to finish no worse than the middle of the pack, and could hopefully play spoiler for the two teams I thought would be in the running to win the league. Nothing that happened the first couple weeks really changed my thinking, and we were all generally having fun.

Week three changed things.

I had promised Fiona we could go to the free Tornadoes exhibition game, and that game fell on a league night. So the day before the game Fiona and I rolled off ("pre-bowled" for all you ten-pinners), with both of us rolling a little over our averages. Josie and Rich then had to face our (at that point) unknown opponents. It turns out we bowled "the old lady" team that week, who decided they were going to "coach" Josie to make her a better bowler. Rich was able to get her to ignore them, and the two of them with our roll off scores absolutely shellacked the old ladies 8-0.

Rich and I exchanged a few e-mails about what happened, and when we all met up the next Tuesday Josie was still irked. And she took it out against the ghost team, helping us beat the invisible foes 8-0.

From that point on we were in first place, and spent every week after running away from the pack. We actually had a chance to lock in first place in week 14, but the teams chasing us didn't co-operate, but we still clinched first in week 16 as the teams behind us made one last futile push.

That made last night a "victory lap". The girls both had great nights, Rich kind of tossed the ball down the alley getting his boxes over, and I had a couple lobs that made me look like a slo-pitch softball pitcher. Along the way we had a lot of laughs, and for the only time this season, got skunked. Not that it mattered. The beer flowed freely, the pizza tasted great, and the fact how we bowled didn't matter made for a great evening.

I finished with the 2nd high average in the league (a book keeping error had me tied with someone else for 2nd, but it would have been too much effort to fix it so we let it stand), and Rich also got an individual prize.

Josie started week one with a 44 average. She ended the season at over 65. I have never seen anyone improve 20 pins in one season, even those like Josie that had never bowled in a league before.

Fiona ended up a little over her normal 66, and despite saying every week she hated the game, had a good time.

Together we made for some very unlikely champions.

[Fiona] The Choosing of the Stone

Have any of you ever thought about what goes into choosing a stone? By this I mean a headstone for a grave. It is not as easy as it sounds. Color, weight, quarry, finish, lot size, all of these things have to be taken into account along with what will be sand blasted onto it besides the name(s) of the deceased.

This past weekend my father, my mom's sister and I went to Whitinsville to stone shop. My dad made the final selection through tear soaked eyes. It is a lovely stone from a Canadian quarry. It is sort of rose colored with the words together forever across the front with roses on either side of the wording. There is also a cross adorned with rosary beads (the 'rents are Catholic). The ovearall effect is quite beautiful.



I don't know why but going to my hometown to buy a headstone and check out my parents plot really made me sad. I think the reality of the end of life(for everyone I know and love) was just too much for my poor soul to bear. It's funny how I never realized just how much I love the people in my life.

[Fiona] She Lives

Not that anyone in blog land is worried about me, but yes, I am still alive. My life has recently seen an increase in life changing stress and so I haven't felt much like blogging.

That is until today. Today I feel spry.

My mom recently passed away and I have been solely left with the responsibility of caring for my Pops. He is healthy for his age but has the suckiest memory known to man. He knows who I am but can't remember small things like: did I eat? bathe? feed the dog? Small and yet important.

He recently said to me, "I don't know what's wrong with the dog. She goes poop like four times a day. Do you think I should call the vet?"

Apparently the dog knows my dad's memory sucks and being the pig I know her to be, pesters him for snackies she just doesn't need. I have taken to taping a sign on my dad's microwave that says "Don't feed the dog" which seems to work pretty well most of the time. Occassionally, however, my Pops will call me and ask, "how come I can't feed the dog? is she sick?"

He'll laugh because on some level he knows it is because he can't remember things like he used to. Thank god he still has his sense of humor.

I love this man, to me he is unforgettable and I pray that he will always be able to remember me.

[Shrek] Help Me Save a Friend

This was not the topic I intended to write about today, but something has been brought to my attention that requires I immediately speak out in an attempt to help a friend through his personal crisis.

The first thing is making him realize that there is an issue, but this issue is so personal that I don't want to publicly identify him. I will refer to him as "The Man". I do so because he is referred to that by another friend in her blog, which was where I read that "The Man" was in trouble.

To help others help "The Man", I'll link to the blog entry that contains the startling observations about his problem.

The Night Fantastic: Via Italian Table

Now for those that didn't see where his problem was, I shall quote the relevant part.

The Man opted for the Italian Ice (which in and of itself nearly made me fall of my chair...no beer? What hath God wrought?) which is a mix of Hangar One lime vodka, limoncello, and sorbetto...

He drank a mixed drink with a cutesy name. The horror! This cutesy concoction contained lime vodka and sorbetto. And he drank this in public!!!!

If that is not a cry for help then I don't know what one is. Even Josie notices something is amiss.

That alone is not the issue. After all, trying out a new drink is generally acceptable, even if that drink may be "cutesy". And despite it containing fruit it did contain alcohol, so he does have that going for him. Had he just had the drink it could be easily explainable as just "trying something new"

But it went further. Much further.

I refer you again to the blog entry...

The Man ordered the Ragu of Italian Meats, because for The Man, being a carnivore isn't a food preference, it's a way of life and a fundamental principal. Via delivered big time here, serving up a huge helping of pasta topped with sauce and pork, a ginormous meatball, beef, chicken and sausage. I am deeply impressed with Via, since The Man...couldn't even finish it all!

"Couldn't even finish it all"?

Couldn't. Even. Finish. It. All.

He orders a cutesy drink, and then can't finish his meal? That confirms it, that is definitely a cry for help. "The Man" needs our help folks, and we must do everything in our power to help him through this personal struggle.

If you see "The Man" you should immediately drive him to the nearest Gentleman's club. Pay the cover charge for him. If the Gentlemen's club is out, take him to the nearest sporting event. As a last resort just bring him to a bar and buy him a beer. He's partial to Budweiser in those new aluminum bottles, so you may need to bring your debit card with you.

It is our personal duty to help friends in need, so we all must do what we can to help get "The Man" back on track no matter what it takes. He would do the same for us, so we should do no less for him.

Don't worry "The Man"--help is on its way.

[Shrek] Stupid Is As Stupid Does

I was watching some TV last night, and 1 vs 100 is on.

The question was "how many 6 packs would you need if you had 99 bottles of beer on the wall"

Possible answers:

A] More than 15
B] Exactly 15
C] Less than 15

The contestant, a blond woman, said she needed help because....









...she doesn't drink beer.

Oh, no. It get's better.

They go through whatever game mechanic they use and she gets advice from some guy that looks like he knows a little about drinking beer, and he uses some of the worst math imaginable to get to the answer being "more than 15".

She answers "A", which is correct.

They eliminate the several people that got it wrong, including a Maxim model. Bob Saget asks her how she got it wrong and she replied....



....you guessed it....





"I drink wine"

Now I know why Studio 60 on the Sunset Strip got canceled.

[Shrek] Step Away From The Computer

As if it shouldn't have occurred to me before, I have come to the conclusion that the internet is full of stupid people. It matters not if they are actually that way or just chose to act like they have no brain, the end result is pretty much the same. Stupidity.

So I have devised a "true/false" test that everyone should have to pass before they are allowed to use the internet. Failure to pass the test would result in you being banned from using the internet until such time as you have gained enough intelligence to use and communicate with others on it.

Statement #1: I believe everything I read is true. If you answered "true" to this, you fail the test before going any further. The internet is chock full of stuff that isn't even remotely close to being true. So if you are so feeble minded to think that just because it's in print it must be true, I suggest you stick to coloring books.

Statement #2: Big companies will send me lots of free stuff for sending chain letters to everyone on my contact list. If you answered "true" to this, please remove me from your contact list. There is absolutely no chance that any company will send you anything for forwarding e-mails to your friends. This also goes for those e-mails that ask you to add your name to the list in protest of something and them forward to your friends. How exactly do you think that "protest" e-mail will get to the people you want to complain to?

Statement #3: I feel the need to respond to any forum post that even remotely disagrees with my point of view. If you answered "true" to this, you may be too far gone to be worth further testing. And going one step further, if you can't identify a moron by what s/he posts on a message board then you're no better than that idiot you're replying to.

Statement #4: I can tell just by looking who I can give my personal information to over the internet. If you answered "true" to this, you should save everyone the time and trouble and just take a cash advance on all you credit cards, empty your savings accounts, and give the money to the first stranger you see on the street. You should mortgage your house while you're at it too, no sense in not going all the way.

Statement #5: I reply to every spam e-mail so they won't send me more. If you answered "true" to this, you really are stupid. By replying you just confirmed someone is reading their e-mail, resulting in you getting more spam. Oh, you mean there's an "unsubscribe" link you clicked on? Congratulations, you just guaranteed you'll be "subscribed" to even more mailing lists.

Statement #6: I download everything that is sent to me in my e-mail or I love to add all those free screensavers to my computer. If you answered "true" to either of these, just throw your computer away right now. It going to become a paperweight soon and there's no reason to wait any longer before tossing it away.

OK, so to find out of you passed, add up all the "true" answers you have.

If you answered "true" even once, you fail.